What makes a relationship lasting and fulfilling?
Mostly, people are happier when they are in a relationship, than when they are not. On average, people who are in a relationship, tend to be healthier, and live longer. I think that is because an intimate relationship is a good place to get many of our emotional needs, such as connectedness, intimacy, attention, acceptance and understanding met. However, many relationships do not last. It is estimated that over 40% of marriages end in divorce. And for second marriages the rates of divorce are even higher. One of the reasons for this could be that we have not learned from the mistakes we made in our first marriage! Or, in other words, we repeat the subconscious relationship patterns we use. We can change this, and improve our current relationship, whether it is our first, second or tenth, when we are more aware of what it is that makes a relationship successful.
In this article, I am going to have a look at some of the proven “ingredients” that make relationships a positive and fulfilling experience.
1. Know your partner
Ok, this first ingredient sounds rather obvious, right? Surely we know the person we spend most of our time with? Or do we? It is quite common to become rather lazy in our relationships. We can get so used to having our partner around that we take them for granted. We stop showing a real interest in their well-being, and expressing our appreciation for what they mean to us can become rare.
Ask yourself, do you know the daily stresses your partner deals with? Do you know their friends, their colleagues? Do you know what has ticked them off that day, or what has excited them and made them smile? Do you know what makes them feel loved, do you know their dreams and hopes for the future? Do you take time to check in with each other, and share these things with them? It is through the sharing of our thought, feelings and experiences, instead of grand gestures, that we feel seen, heard, appreciated, and known by our partner.
2. Know yourself!
When our relationship goes through a rocky time, many of us don’t find it too hard to point out where our partner may have gone wrong. But when we point the finger at another, there are three fingers pointing back at us. ( I would like to make it clear that I am not talking about abusive relationships. Emotional, physical, sexual, narcissistic or any other kind of abuse is never acceptable in a relationship)
If we want to change our relationship, it is most helpful to start with changing ourselves. In fact, it is the only thing we have some control over. So get to know yourself, who are you, what are your likes and dislikes, what are your needs, your passions, your dreams? Are you taking ownership of what you want, are you taking responsibility for expressing your needs and wants? Do you know what makes your heart swell with happiness, and do you know what triggers the worst in you? How often do you blame the other, when you maybe should take some ownership of your own words and actions as well? Sorry seems to be the hardest word maybe, but it is an important expression to facilitate forgiveness and connection.
3. Acknowledge the differences between you
Both you and your partner are totally unique human beings. That means that you have your own experiences from your past, your childhood, your upbringing, your education, and many other influences, that have helped shape you into who you are. You have your own unique perception of the world around you, and your own way of experiencing things. Your partner’s experiences and perceptions will be different. Neither of you are mind-readers. It is therefore unreasonable to expect your partner to know what is going on for you, how you are feeling, what your experience is, without you being clear about this. And it is unreasonable to make any assumptions about what your partner may be thinking, feeling and experiencing.
So do not assume, but ask! And ask with the intention to listen and understand, not with the aim to prove or disprove what your partner is saying. Both you and your partner deserve to be treated with honour and respect for who you are.
4. Lay down your weapons
Often, when we are caught up in disagreement and conflict, we can turn away from each other and start seeing our partner as the enemy, or our behaviour towards our partner can be filled with animosity. Especially when we do not feel heard or understood, or when we get triggered and emotionally flooded, and can’t use our rational thinking brain anymore. The best thing to do when a conflict gets out of hand and turns into an ugly episode of Eastenders, is to walk away and take some time to calm down. Once you have managed to soothe yourself, it will be easier for you to look at your situation with some emotional distance, and recognize that you both are reacting to each other out of hurt, and not responding to each other with conscious care and awareness. Both of you have a need, and deserve to be listened to with respect. You will both be suffering from the disconnect between you. Reminding yourself of this can help you to remain kind and respectful.
5. Include your partner in your decision making
Every couple disagrees on some things, it is unavoidable. It is how we deal with the disagreement, that makes this into a problem, or not. A willingness to discuss disagreements respectfully, and a willingness to share our power with our partner, determines if this will become a situation of conflict, or compromise.
Check with yourself, do you find you sometimes make decisions by yourself, that do affect the both of you, but you forget, or hesitate, or ignore to tell your partner? Maybe you think that it does not matter, or it is easier, or that maybe your partner will not find out? Or maybe you are worried that your partner may not agree with your decision, and it will lead to an argument?
The chances are that not sharing our thoughts and reasons for our decisions will create more distance, as it can leave your partner feeling excluded. The chance of this ending in a conflict becomes much bigger, than when we kept our partner involved. Including our partner in decision making, is a way of saying that their opinions and feelings matter to us.
6. Beware the “4 horsemen”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling
John Gottman says that criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, can be so lethal in a relationship, that he calls them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”. This is how to try to avoid these horsemen trotting or galloping into your disagreements.
Managing disagreements and conflict in our relationship is not easy. When we feel upset by something our partner has said or done, it is important to bring it up. But beware of how to bring it up. Too often we start when we feel emotional, and our partner ends up feeling accused and criticized, and responds in an unhelpful way, and before you know it, you are caught up in a full blown row.
It is more helpful to plan the conversation you want to have. Reflect on how you are feeling, and own your feelings as being part of you. Often a word or action of our partner has triggered an emotional response in us. This response can say a lot about ourselves, and our areas of hurt and vulnerability. Maybe your partner is not fully aware of how their actions made you feel. (Again, I am not talking about abusive relationships).
A good way to start a tricky conversation is by explaining what happened to you. For example, you can say “When you did/said …………, I felt…………..”. Try to stick to the one example you want to talk about, and avoid generalizations like “You always….”, or “you never….”.
It is not easy to hear our partner bring up something negative about us, but it is important to try to listen what our partner is trying to tell us. Responding with sarcasm, sneering, mockery, eye-rolling or hostile humour are all types of contempt, and it is giving your partner the signals that you are not interested in how they are feeling.
Another unhelpful response to a challenging conversation is defensiveness. Defensiveness is another way of saying “the problem is not me, it is you”. Your partner will not feel heard, acknowledged and understood, when you are defensive. It will not lead to a satisfactory resolution of the conflict, and a restoration of the connection between you.
The last “horseman” is stonewalling, this means tuning out and not reacting at all to the partner. This is a coping mechanism that can creep in when a partner has felt criticized and accused for a while. Again, this gives a message to the partner that they are not interested in them, and it makes it impossible for both partners to come to a level of mutual understanding, and renewed closeness.
7. Look for the emotions and the unmet needs underneath
Relationships can be tricky, and they often are much more intricate that we are initially aware of. We have our own personal experiences, from our own past that has shaped the way we perceive and respond to others. We will take all this with us into our relationship, and of course our partner will bring their own “stuff”. So there is a whole lot of stuff playing along in the background, when 2 (or more) people are trying to get on as well as they can.
To create a relationship where both partners feel that their emotional needs are met, where they feel heard, appreciated, understood, accepted and loved for who they are, it is helpful that we know ourselves and the other on a deeper level.
Having an interest and a curiosity into what is going on for ourselves and our partner in times of stress or conflict, can change a difficult time into an opportunity for deeper understanding and stronger connections. For example, when you peel away the layers of anger, or defensiveness, or sadness, that come up in a conflict, there is often a vulnerable sense of fear underneath. A fear most of us share from time to time. It is a fear of not being loved for who we are, a fear that we may not be good enough. Feeling accepted, connected and loved, is one of the strongest emotional needs we have. It is a need we are born with, and one that has to be met in order for us to survive. It is what makes us vulnerable, and what connects us all. It is only visible though, when we move in closer, through the layers that divide us.
Marijke Roberts